A contentious problem was dropped in the lap of the new group manager. The issue not only wasn\u2019t resolved but the team had been arguing angrily for weeks. <\/span><\/p>\n

So the next meeting, she started by asking everyone to stop talking about themselves or each other but only about the possible solutions to the problem. The air cleared, the dialogue turned productive, the anger disappeared, and the problem was resolved. Through <\/span>loving argument.<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

Had our presidential candidates applied the principles of\u00a0<\/span>loving argument <\/span><\/i>in their debates, our country would not now be sinking into ever deeper anger and sorrow. It happens that my most frequent arguing partner is also one of the most beloved in my life: we argue about ideas we care deeply about; we raise our voices; we feel no need for consensus (each believes we\u2019re right most of the time!)… and we love each other no less. <\/span><\/p>\n

So here\u2019s a quick overview of the principles and steps everyone can take to ensure that you get the benefits of <\/span>loving argument<\/span><\/i> every day at home, at work, over coffee, and on the phone.<\/span><\/p>\n

The principles.<\/strong> <\/span><\/p>\n

\n
• We attack ideas, facts, opinions, procedures, actions; we <\/span>never<\/span><\/i> attack each other.<\/span><\/li>\n
• We never start sentences with \u201cI\u201d unless talking about ourselves.<\/span><\/li>\n
• We shun the words, \u201cI,\u201d and \u201cyou,\u201d \u201cright,\u201d and \u201cwrong.\u201d<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

  So let\u2019s see the steps to follow before blurting words that fail. Let’s say someone, “Noa,” is wrong about her prediction; she thinks I\u2019m wrong.<\/span><\/p>\n

  Here\u2019s what Noa feels like saying, \u201cI know that you\u2019re absolutely wrong – your prediction is so stupid it could never happen.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

  Here are the steps to having a loving argument.<\/em>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

  1. Before speaking, think about the subject you mean to talk about. \u00a0Is it yourself? No. Is it the other guy\u2019s stupidity? No. Is it the prediction? YES! S<\/span>o, instead of starting the sentence with “I” or “You,” try\u00a0starting\u00a0the sentence with its subject: \u201cThat prediction\u2026\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

  \n
  1. Now that you know what you\u2019re talking about, follow the subject with its verb: if it matters enough to argue about, it must do something: misses the mark<\/em>, promises<\/em>, fails to ___<\/em>, looks positive<\/em>, will detract from<\/em>,\u00a0etc.<\/span><\/li>\n
  2. What if you\u2019re not sure enough to make a precise statement? Rather than lie and lose credibility, use the powerful English words that enable you to hedge<\/strong>\u00a0without sounding pathetic: might, could, should, perhaps, consider, may. Whatever you do, don\u2019t<\/strong> talk about how you feel or about how the other person feels: \u201cI really really feel that\u2019s a bad idea.\u201d<\/li>\n
  3. Actually listen to your partner in argument, take note of her exact words if necessary, agree if there\u2019s anything you can agree to. Whatever you do, don\u2019t spend the listening time by planning your next words.<\/span><\/li>\n
  4. And, finally, attend to nonverbal cues: make eye contact, smile if you can agree to anything, avoid hostile gestures (tapping your foot, breaking eye contact, turning your back, checking your watch or phone), open your body; if possible and appropriate, touch your opponent lightly on the shoulder.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

     You don\u2019t have to be a rocket scientist to learn the joys of loving argument.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

     A contentious problem was dropped in the lap of the new group manager. The issue not only wasn\u2019t resolved but the team had been arguing angrily for weeks. So the next meeting, she started by asking everyone to stop talking about themselves or each other but only about the possible solutions to the problem. The […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":212,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"spay_email":"","footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_is_tweetstorm":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i2.wp.com\/phyllismindell.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/03\/Loving-argument-TWG.png?fit=960%2C580","jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p8jcdI-3p","_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/phyllismindell.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/211"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/phyllismindell.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/phyllismindell.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/phyllismindell.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/phyllismindell.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=211"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/phyllismindell.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/211\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":213,"href":"http:\/\/phyllismindell.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/211\/revisions\/213"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/phyllismindell.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/212"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/phyllismindell.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=211"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/phyllismindell.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=211"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/phyllismindell.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=211"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}